Michael Jackson update

From the Borowitz Report --


NETWORKS ASK JACKSON'S JUDGE FOR NEW TRIAL
Current Proceedings 'Not Long Enough,' News Outlets Argue

On the eve of closing arguments in the Michael Jackson child-molestation trial, a coalition of the major all-news networks has asked the judge in the case for a new trial, claiming that the current legal proceedings were "not long enough."

A spokesperson for the networks, Peter Fendell, held a press conference on Thursday to state the cable news outlets' position that the current trial had given "short shrift" to the key issues in the case.

"Unless there is another, longer trial, preferably one that lasts until May sweeps in 2007, justice will not be served," Mr. Fendell said.

He said that a longer trial would allow more time to focus on the lurid sexual details of the case, which he said had been "glossed over."

He added that, in addition to being "too quick and cursory," the current Jackson trial was marred by the insufficient number and quality of celebrity witnesses.

"Instead of Jay Leno, George Lopez and Macaulay Culkin, in a new trial we would like to see Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Johnny Depp," he said.

In response to the networks' request, the judge in the case, Superior Court Judge Rodney S. Melville, issued a terse response: "If the networks think Michael Jackson is getting another trial, they must be on crack," adding, "They might as well ask for O.J. Simpson to have another trial."

"We'll settle for that," Mr. Fendell replied.