Thursday, March 16, 2006

There's a Dean Johnson joke in here . . .

Posted by Craig Westover | 11:18 AM |  

if I had thought of the angle before Andy Borowitz did.

Wake Up With No Memory of Reasons for Invasion, No Exit Strategy

A mounting pile of anecdotal evidence suggests that users of the popular sleep medication Ambien may invade countries in their sleep, and then wake up with no memory of the reasons they invaded, according to a study released today.

The study, conducted by the University of Minnesota, attempts to shed light on a little-known side effect of Ambien, in which users who are fast asleep go on country-invading binges.

Dr. Davis Logsdon, who supervised the University of Minnesota study, said that Ambien users who have no memory of invading countries while asleep wake up with no idea of what to do with the country they invaded.

"Making matters worse, they have no exit strategy, either," Dr; Logsdon said. "Their only option is to remain in the country they invaded, and keep taking Ambien."

The University of Minnesota study highlights several other troubling side-effects of Ambien, such as the tendency of Ambien users to concoct incomprehensible prescription drug programs while asleep.

"They wake up having no memory of creating these prescription drug programs and are unable to explain how they work," Dr. Logsdon said.

In what is perhaps the most disturbing revelation in the study, Ambien users may give away control of U.S. ports to foreign interests while totally unconscious.

"Unfortunately, there's no treatment for these destructive sleep episodes," Dr. Logsdon said. "You just have to wait, and after eight years it's over."