Monday, May 02, 2005

Germans should ask our local "experts" about exploding toads

Posted by Craig Westover | 10:32 AM |  

Atomizer beat me to the story of the exploding toads.
Toads are exploding in Germany. They have been for quite some time now leaving the ubiquitous "experts" a little bit befuddled and very much bemused.

This somewhat gruesome phenomenon has also left these experts characteristically bewitched by the endless quest to find the inconvenience of man's presence on this earth somehow responsible.
If the befuddled German “experts” would just think to check in with Minnesota’s expert elite, they would soon have an answer. It many not be the scientifically correct answer, but to our home-grown experts, “scientifically correct” is subordinate to “politically correct,” which saves an awful lot of time and thought.

If the Germans had thought to check in with Bob Moffitt of the American Lung Association of Minnesota, he would have immediately honed in on the cause as secondhand smoke.

“It’s clear,” he might have said “that the toads are inhaling excessive amounts of secondhand smoke causing their lungs to expand and ultimately explode. Unless the Minnesota Legislature passes a state-wide smoking ban -- and does so quickly -- the patrons of bars and restaurants in communities without smoking bans will be picking the entrails of bartenders and table servers out of their linguini.

“Second hand smoke, bad. Exploding toads, bad. The scientific connection is obvious.”

Dr. Harry Hull, state epidemiologist at the Minnesota Department of Health, after thoroughly researching the issue of exploding toads in the Pioneer Press and, time permitting, the Star Tribune might say something like this --

“The presence of toad entrails and bodily organs scattered on the ground next to the empty carcasses of toads is only "plausible" evidence that toads have exploded, not conclusive evidence. A study of Danish toads showed that no toads have exploded in Denmark, which conclusively proves they did not explode in Germany.

“This is just a case of hysterical Germans, unfortunately are covered with toad innards, looking for someone to blame.”

Me -- I'm watching for black helicopters dropping exploding toads in Afton.