Wednesday, September 27, 2006

BREAKABLE NEWS – “Big Oil” criticizes Bush Administration’s Mishandling of Gasoline Prices

Posted by Craig Westover | 10:23 AM |  

“Bush lied and prices slide,” says Oil Exec.

(Minneapolis) -- Attired in three-piece suits and chomping on unlit cigars, representatives of “Big Oil” stood in front of the pumps at the “Stop ‘n Rob” on the north side of Amy Klobuchar’s Minneapolis and railed against the Bush administration’s failure to keep gas prices at record levels.

“Less than two months ago with gas prices busting the $3.00-per-gallon barrier, the president met with us and declared ‘mission accomplished,’ said “Big Oil” spokesman, Sol Recker. “That was premature to say the least.”

According to analysis done by retired Glenco farmer Hans Anderson, conjecture by double-talking economists citing the end of the summer travel season, lack of hurricanes, easing of tensions between the United States and Iran, and a sell-off of oil futures by speculators is just a smoke screen.

“It’s as plain as the fact that George Bush orchestrated the 9/11 attacks that he’s manipulating gas prices in order to elect rubber-stamp Republicans like Mark Kennedy,” said Anderson from behind a large Wellstone! sign he had propped against his sleeping 17-month old grandaughter.

Recker angrily agreed.

“Bush promised us, in return for campaign contributions, that he’d maintain high gasoline prices by creating weather of mass destruction,” said Recker. “Well, we authorized the contributions, but now there’s no WMD. Bush lied and prices slide.”

Dodging a black, sputtering and coughing SUV with a faded “Support E85” bumper sticker pulling up to the pumps, Robert Enron Emerson III, representing Citizens for Higher Oil Prices (CHOP), said that even if Bush didn’t lie about WMD, he certainly did not have an adequate plan for maintaining high gas prices.”

“The shock and awe of staging hurricanes Katrina and Rita was a brilliant strategy on Bush’s part, but maybe it was too successful,” said Emerson III. “Bush obviously had no plan to counter the insurgent market forces that are driving the price of gasoline down. We’re losing the War on Free Markets. We’re going to be stuck in a quagmire of falling gas prices for the foreseeable future.”

“People underestimate how fast government can raise the price of gasoline at the pump,” countered Decimile Point of the U.S. Department of Energy. “We have to stay the course. If Big Oil can just be patient through the election, with a Republican majority in Congress, we can get gas prices up well over the $2.85 price point, maybe even over $3.00, in time for the holiday travel season.”

Update: 6th District congressional candidate Patty Wetterling has released a statement saying that while she doesn’t know too much about oil economics, she cares about people. Wetterling demanded that President Bush “stop doing whatever he is doing to illegally lower gasoline prices.” Wetterling called for the president to have gas prices “where they belong” by Thanksgiving.