BREAKABLE NEWS – Neanderthals support Bachmann

Scientific study reveals genesis of Bachmann support

A new study released by Gibraltar Museum indicating that Neanderthals were alive at least 2,000 years later than scientists believed gives credibility to the theory that Neanderthals support Michele Bachmann said Eva Young of the website “Dump Michele Bachmann.”

“There is a reason why Bachmann doesn’t want evolution taught in public schools,” she said. “Is it because most of her support comes from the descendents of Neanderthals? Is it possible Bachmann herself knows she’s a descendent of Neanderthals? Developing . . .”

When it was pointed out to Young that according to scientists it’s not clear that Neanderthals and the ancestors of modern humans intermingled, she conceded that might be true but did not rule out the possibility that they might have communicated by email.

“It’s highly likely that many enlightened Neanderthals seeking same-sex relationships would become “Log Cave Homo Sapiens” just to mingle with less hairy, slender, firm-bodied, full-bosomed, puffy-lipped, long-legged with buttocks to die for modern humans,” she said. Catching her breath and wiping perspiration from her brow Young added, “At the very least, it is likely Bachmann was raised by Neanderthals.”

As further evidence that Bachmann has at least some Neanderthal blood, Young cited Bachmann's tendency to crouch in bushes and problems using public restrooms.

Young said results were developing, but she could say that carbon dating was being performed on a “secretly procured” batch of Bachmann campaign buttons, which “appear to be a lot older than one might suspect.”

Spot the dog of the website “The Cucking Stool” said the Gibraltar study proves that Neanderthals like Pioneer Press columnist Craig Westover and the Strib’s Katherine Kirsten are “Darwinist hunter gatherers.”

“It’s what I’ve been saying all along, boys and girls. Neanderthals like Sticks and Katie demand accountability – well I guess extinction of their Neanderthal ancestors is real and well-deserved accountability. Spot reminds you, boys and girls, Neanderthals did not have single payer universal health care.”

Also a contributor to Dump Bachmann, Eric Zaetsch was asked to comment for this story. At press time, his comment was not yet complete, however he had developed his analysis as far as the Jurassic era and a slight similarity between the first syllables of “Brachasaurus” and “Bachmann.”

“Why hasn’t Bachmann addressed that?” he asked.

“Read my blog,” said Young.