BREAKABLE NEWS -- Democrats push for universal cell phone ownership in wake of birth control potential

Local Bloggers catch Michele Bachmann on tape with cell phone

Recent reports out of Britain that contend cell phones can reduce male sperm count by up to 30 percent have Democrats pushing for a federal subsidy for universal cell phone ownership.

“If Republicans would stop pushing their divisive campaign to ban abortion and join me in reducing the number of abortions by providing American males who cannot afford one a free cell phone there would be fewer abortions, which is what we all want,” said Hillary Clinton.

“Denying a cell phone to a poor family is denying that family expression of its reproductive rights,” said Whoopie Goldberg waving a bloody cell phone over her head. “How long has the president known that cell phones are an essential element of family planning and how long has he covered it up?” asked Goldberg.

Former president William Jefferson Clinton issued a statement saying that while he has owned a cell phone for several years, he has never dialed it.

"I never called that woman, Monica Lewinski. Not once! Never!" said the former president. "I do not carry my cell phone in my front pants pocket, and I do not keep it on vibrate," he added.

On the local scene, the website Dump Michele Bachmann released an Avidor video showing 6th Congressional District candidate Michele Bachmann handing a cell phone to her husband, Marcus.

“What a hypocrite,” said commenter Karl. “Michele Bachmann tells voters she is pro life and that a woman should be subservient to her husband but we caught her on video virtually cutting her husband's balls off in public.”

“Is it a coincidence that Michele and Marcus each have a cell phone, and they haven’t had additional children?” asked Eva Young. “Developing . . . .”

Bachmann's opponent in the 6th District, Patty Wetterling, issued a statement saying that while she "didn't know much about cell phones and sperm counts, she cares about people."

Wetterling's latest television ad takes advantage of the controversy declaring that "Republican leaders have admitted covering up that Mark Foley used cell phones to moleste pre-school age congressional pages." Although some media sources have called Wetterling's ad "false and misleading," she stands by her statement.

"I don't know much about campaign advertising," Wetterling told the media, "but I care about people."

On the opposite side of the issue, Tom Prichard, president of the Minnesota Family Council said his group would be drafting sample legislation prohibiting the use of state funds for cell phone research.

“The president’s approach is a sensible one,” said Prichard. “We can continue to improve existing cell phone products, but we must not create any new advancements.”

Elsewhere, the Pope issued an official statement from the Vatican saying that using a cell phone during sex to call the Howard Stern show was “kinda kinky,” but it did not violate the Catholic prohibition on birth control, provided one hangs up before ejaculation.