BREAKABLE NEWS -- Hatch and Pawlenty vie for Guernsey vote

Hatch pledges direct support of new portable hand-mixer

(Duluth) -- DFL gubernatorial candidate Mike Hatch stirred up quite a controversy yesterday when he pledged his support to purchase a new Oster Inspire 2529 6-Speed Hand Mixer with Storage Case for Mrs. Glenda Guernsey while in Duluth pledging his support for the new DECC Arena.

While Mrs. Guensey also has support from incumbent Governor Tim Pawlenty, who promised her a KitchenAid KHM7T 7-Speed Ultra Power Plus Hand Mixer in Empire Red, Hatch said he’d push for a direct subsidy for Mrs. Guensey’s hand mixer. He said Pawlenty has only promised Mrs. Guernsey tax increment financing under the JOBZ program after renigging on a promise to put the hand mixer into the 2006 bonding bill.

“Pawlenty says he wants Glenda to get her hand mixer,” said Hatch. “But at the end of the day, he couldn’t come up with the cash and just told her ‘TIF shit.’”

Hatch said he would pay for the $69.95 Oster Inspire by shopping on line and looking very hard at products customers who purchased the Oster Inspire 2529 also bought.

“By making additional purchases and taking advantage of a shipping order loophole, we can recoup an estimated $360 million. Suing Amazon.com could bring in another $500 to $750 million,” said Hatch. Mrs. Guernsey would make up the $4.20 sales tax out of proceeds from her job as a six-figure corporate attorney.

Pawlenty says he strongly supports a program he called “Q-Kitchen,” which would ensure that busy executives have the tools they need to achieve “high-performance baking.” He said Democrats, in the pocket of the baker’s union, have consistently blocked the Q-Kitchen program or watered it down saying Mrs. Guernsey could not be held accountable for her cooking because some of her dinner guests came from homes where lard was generally not used as a substitute for butter.

Meanwhile, the Michele Bachmann campaign is planning a gala fundraising dinner in Minnetonka. Angry, out-of-touch with Minnesota liberal Al Franken was not invited. According to a report on Minnesota Monitor, a truck was seen delivering three loaves of bread and seven small fishes, but according to the blog, Bachmann has personally guaranteed that there will be enough food for everyone with some leftover.